It is time

In the night he takes me by the hand. The one I call guide and he leads me on the mountain until I come to the place that I know is the place. The kind stones bear witness and the trees gather to give thanks and I know that it is the time. Time to leave this earth, to leave this human journey. In that exquisite moment all my dreams of a quiet letting go, of a dignified and noble return are wrenched away in a great storm of grief, wonder and love. Don’t take it from me yet! Forget all the times I grumbled or complained about how it is or how it could be better. Forget all my longings for happiness or strength or love. Just give me more. More life. More life. What I like and don’t like is whirled away in the wind of a passion for the whole of it, the whole of this wondrous, mundane, cosmic fiery dance upon the fields of Gaia. I cling on with everything I have, with memories, with hands and fingernails, with my little and ancient heart. Not yet. God not yet. The love is everywhere. Walking beneath the cathedral trees, fractal leaves breaking the light. Bending, twisting, cracking in longing, whining like a dog for his master. Falling to my knees and breaking the skin only to find wonder in the bright blood. Watching the unbelievable destruction of the vast beauty of the oceans and the forests and the animals. Seeing brother turn on brother and power turn on us all. Heartbreak upon heartbreak. Knowing love, touching skin, falling into the smile of a child. Herons arcing across the grey sky as the autumn draws white smiles on the waves of the lake. The all. The all of it. This whole crazy wild dream of being a human here on this planet in this now. All that hurts, all that heals, don’t take it from me. Not yet. Let me love a little longer, love a little deeper, love a little freer. I can’t promise to be better, to remember more, to walk around in a cloud of gratitude. I will swear and curse, I will complain, I will hurt. I will dance, I will laugh, I will sing. And I will love, I will love a love that is greater than my hopes and wider than my failings, I will love a love that is inside of every terrible deed, I will love a love that lifts the whole of my flawed and perfect life in its kind, lined hands and breathes compassion and prayers over my soft eyes. Not yet my love, not yet. A little longer. A little deeper.